I woke up this morning with red hair. Now, this was intentional. I went to my stylist mentally prepared to just add a few highlights and I walked out with red hair (just to be clear, this was impulsive and I asked for it and I LOVE it). 

Before my stylist went to mix the color, she said "Now, Ariel, once we do this it will take a lot of work to go lighter. Are you really, totally and completely, sure you want to do this?" After she said that my heart started to beat faster and my palms got sweaty and I thought "Shucks....oh good grief, do I?!" This was all after I had already made the decision. I was wholeheartedly second guessing myself. 

I did it. And when I woke up and groggily glanced at myself in the mirror I was startled. I was genuinely scared thinking this was some screwy version of the body-snatchers. Then I laughed. 

This is how you know you need to refresh your relationship. You wake up one morning and do not recognize yourself (which, in my opinion, is a lot scarier than thinking you don't recognize your partner). People change. We all do, and some changes are obvious and others sneak up on you. Having an identity crisis is something that is freaky, because if you don't know you, then how can anyone else accept you? 

Now, I do not intend to suggest that an identity crisis or change means you desperately need help. I just believe that it is a darn good indicator that something is up. It means that your insecurities are real and it is time to tap into your partner for some extra boosts. And this does NOT mean you fit the description only if you dyed your hair.

Do you feel lonely (even when you come home to your partner nearly daily)? Do you feel fear because you feel as though you are growing and your partner isn't? Or is your partner getting involved in something that five years earlier he/she would have scoffed at? Do you find yourself second guessing what you were going to say because it would make things awkward? Are you being honest with yourself and your partner? 

If ANY of those questions caused any bells to ring, you need to refresh your relationship. I am of the thought that everyone could always tidy up. There generally aren't many signs you need to refresh anything until it becomes...well...not fresh. And usually when something is rotten it is past the point of maintenance. 

So give your relationship an oil change. Check in. Recognize yourself and your relationship to the point where you feel confident. 

Join us June 1st for a FREE workshop specifically designed to give your relationship the boosts it needs. Space is limited, so fill out our registration form to reserve your spot. Jami and Marla will be offering FREE (don't you love that word?!) 15-minute consultations at the end. 

Cheers!
Ariel

It is criminal how easy it is to fade away from the intimacy your relationship once flared with. At first, it's all butterflies and looking at your phone every three minutes to see if they have responded to your previous text. Then it slowly fades.

 I think this is why it is so tricky, because it feels like you wake up one morning and your relationship doesn't have the same excitement it used to. Now, one of my pet peeves is when girlfriends or guy friends use this as reason to end a relationship. Just because you don't get the same butterflies as you did when you first started spending time with this person, it doesn't mean your relationship is over. How absolutely ridiculous would it be if, simply because you were beginning to be comfortable around a person, it meant that you could no longer be friends/lovers/spouses etc? 

So here's the deal: get your rear in gear. Don't idly sit by as your relationship plummets into the pits of despair. Here are a few SIMPLE and EASY ideas that anyone in a couple-ship can do, and they can be done with hardly lifting a finger (no, it does not require spending the evening in a rented out stadium, while Jack Johnson serenades you into  finding that "spark" again). 

1. Keep date night sacred! Pick one night a week that is for you and your lover. If you can't manage once a week, go for at least ONE night a month. This can be as simple as making dinner together (and getting a baby-sitter if you have little kiddos around the house, even if this is just once a month...what will cost less, 12 nights a year for a baby-sitter or your sanity?).

2. Surprise each other. Whether this is as small as writing a little love note and putting it in their wallet or a surprise movie night, this will certainly be unexpected and can result in maybe a long overdue foot massage. 

3. Have more sex! Now, not only will this allow for more intimacy but it has been PROVEN to boost the immune system and release stress. 

4. Dance together. Regardless of if this in in the kitchen, on the patio, or out at your favorite night club. 

5. Soak up some vitamin D together! Start a garden, share lawn chores, or just go for a walk around the block. Not only will your body thank you with endorphin's  but even just 10 minutes a day can allow you to actually listen and be listened to when asked about the day.

6. Thank each other. When you are busy counting the ways you wish your partner could improve, you miss giving gratitude when they do something you appreciate. Give thanks when it is due.

So, pick any two of the six above. Maybe experiment with it by not telling your partner what you are doing, and see what happens. I can guarantee that they will not only notice, but will respond in equal kindness and love. 

Do you have any ideas on how you rekindle your love? All comments below can be anonymous, and we would love the keep the conversation going!

Until next time....
Ariel

Someone very dear to me answers the same question the same way almost every time. 

"How are you?" a friend, family member, stranger or acquaintance will say. I am to a point where I would bet good money her answer always is "Oh just busy. So busy!" 

Now this answer is common. This is common for people who work 80+ hour weeks, for stay-at-home moms, for teenagers in high school, college students...even people who sit at home watching TV most of the day will probably answer in a similar way. 

In our culture, we honor over-achievers more than any other trait. We affirm those who are "always busy", because what is less honorable than being lazy? 

In my opinion, our culture has made busy-ness a life commandment. It is necessary if you want kudos. This life commandment is crap. You can work 80 hour weeks, but when is the last time you walked in the park or read a book (ahem...one you actually WANT to read) and didn't feel completely guilty? Or spend the time thinking of all the other, more worthwhile, things you COULD be doing instead? 

Now, I am not free of this. I currently have 3 jobs. Busy-ness is my excuse. It is my validation. It feels FANTASTIC to hear the oohs and aahs of my loved ones applauding my hard work. And it is my go-to topic when I play catch up with friends because it allows me to validate my life choices because of their approval. Have I mentioned how dysfunctional this is?!

Let me be clear: there is absolutely nothing wrong with success. It is crucial to be motivated. But the question here is not about success being wrong or right, it is about how it is used. Do you bury yourself in busy-ness so you feel better about yourself? Are you so worried about cleaning the kitchen and having dinner on the table at 6pm that you haven't even played with your children? Are you so caught up in work that you don't even listen to your friends when you go out? Are you so guilty doing anything supposedly "unproductive" that it ruins said thing? 

My recommendation is scheduled you time that is actually relaxing. My personal preference is some form of meditation (and there are many). Meditation doesn't necessarily mean you sit in silence for two hours. I would hight encourage all of you reading this to look into forms of mediation that fit your personality and needs. Here are some stats on how mediation impacted the workplace...

A Detroit based chemical plant posted the following results three years after implementing meditation:

• Absenteeism fell by 85%
• Productivity rose 120%
• Injuries dropped 70%
• Profits increased 520%

According to reports, there have been over 1500 separate studies since 1930. All were related to meditation and its effects on the practitioners. Some statistics on people who meditate include results like:

• Heart rate, respiration, blood pressure and oxygen consumption are all decreased.
• Meditators are less anxious and nervous.
• Meditators were more independent and self-confident
• People who deliberated daily were less fearful of death.
• 75% of insomniacs who started a daily meditation program were able to fall asleep within 20 minutes of going to bed.
• Production of the stress hormone Cortisol is greatly decreased, thus making it possible for those people to deal with stress better when it occurs.
• Women with PMS showed symptom improvements after 5 months of steady daily rumination and reflection.
• Thickness of the artery walls decreased which effectively lowers the risk of heart attack or stroke by 8% to 15%.
• Relaxation therapy was helpful in chronic pain patients.
• 60% of anxiety prone people showed marked improvements in anxiety levels after 6-9 months.

You can read the original article by clicking HERE. 

So, chill out. Mandate days off. If days aren't an option, schedule at LEAST 10 hours a week of time you can do you. Breaking up with stress is an option, you just have to decide to make it one. 

If you missed last weeks blog Breaking Up With Stress: Get Moving, you can read it by clicking HERE.
-Ariel

Stress is a hot topic. There are tons of methods and tips for handling it. So, is it even possible to be entirely rid of it? Or is stress that pitiful ex that just won't leave you alone by passive Facebook posts and tweeting about his great hot new date he had Saturday night? 

I believe that stress is on a scale. Stress is actually an amazing biological release that is telling your body some seriously important messages. 

Since we live in the age of the iPhone, the stresses Americans faced 100 years ago a significantly different then they are now. And, in my opinion, much more complex and harder to diagnose. This is because we live in a time where we honor approval addicts. We praise perfectionists. Oh, you'll work a 60 hour week and be extremely motivated and successful? Don't stop! 

To balance the stress scale and properly manage stress I think the best answer is movement. Now, I know that it isn't a quick fix magic pill, but it is the quickest fix our body is dying for. However, just a simple walk can feel like a marathon if you have been extremely busy. But I promise you, it will help more than any amount of deep breathing while holding your inner shakra. Here is a small explanation by The Mayo Clinic:

Exercise increases your overall health and your sense of well-being, which puts more pep in your step every day. But exercise also has some direct stress-busting benefits.

• It pumps up your endorphins. Physical activity helps to bump up the production of your brain's feel-good neurotransmitters, called endorphins. Although this function is often referred to as a runner's high, a rousing game of tennis or a nature hike also can contribute to this same feeling.
• It's meditation in motion. After a fast-paced game of racquetball or several laps in the pool, you'll often find that you've forgotten the day's irritations and concentrated only on your body's movements. As you begin to regularly shed your daily tensions through movement and physical activity, you may find that this focus on a single task, and the resulting energy and optimism, can help you remain calm and clear in everything that you do.
• It improves your mood. Regular exercise can increase self-confidence and lower the symptoms associated with mild depression and anxiety. Exercise also can improve your sleep, which is often disrupted by stress, depression and anxiety. All this can ease your stress levels and give you a sense of command over your body and your life.

Read the whole article by clicking HERE.

Not only is any type of exercise going to help manage stress, but it is one of the best things you can do if you are feeling down, lethargic, depressed, or just sad. Now, if you are anything like me, that may be the LAST thing you want to hear about stress or depression management. But if you stick to even the smallest routine (walking on the Green Belt, playing with your children at the park, going for a hike, etc) your body will reward you with deeper sleep, more energy, and feelings of happiness and peace (just to name a few).

Besides, not a whole lot of people remember those nights of sitting on the couch watching TV. But a hike with your honey? Now that will remembered! Test my theory (but consult your doctor first if it has been a while) and I know you'll feel a difference. 

Now, to all of my fellow couch potatoes, visit our blog next week and we can talk some serious relaxation in How To Break Up With Stress: Chill Out!

If you are interesting in joining us for our workshop on May 4th, visit our "Events" page.

-Ariel

I have this friend who is extremely insightful. My friend teaches a class on most Saturdays and he takes normal ideas and concepts and suggests many other perspectives on whatever the topic may be. 

A few weeks ago, the topic was loving each other as imperfect beings. His perspective was that there is no human love that comes from selflessness, rather, all human love is based in selfish motives. After he said this his wife (who was also attending the class) commented on how dark that perspective was, and how could that be? Since there are perfect babies being born and mothers and fathers witnessing this perfect creation, or when you decide to marry someone and how that has to be as close to selfless love as humanly possible. 

The discussion continued in the direction of debate, and I was honored to participate in the conversation because these are hard ideas and concepts to talk about, and really there is no right position on the topic. 

I tend to agree with my friend Mike. I believe that we are all very broken people. And so I think that we innately act from selfishness (is that not survival?). Please read these words carefully, because yes that does sound so awful and makes love feel like Santa Claus made up for children. We choose love in many situations. However, love has been taught to us based on whatever ideology we were born in to. There are some of us who understand love much better than others (and I certainly cannot claim to be one of them).

Sometimes love just happens. And it feels like you cannot stop even if you wanted to. And that is why romance novels are so successful, and Nicholas Sparks now has his books turned into movies. Because we all can relate to the heartache and that loss and then oh that hope! The hope that this love is authentic enough to MEAN something. To PROVE something. In sickness and in health.....

I agree that love just happens. But I think, more often that not, love is a choice. Loving yourself is the toughest because it is a choice more often than not. There are difficult circumstances where you must choose love when people are in "unlovable" situations. It's hard to love a screaming child, to love your partner after hurtful things have been said, to love a friend when they disrespect you, etc. But loving yourself in those hard situations? Perhaps you lied about something, slept with someone, drunk texted your truth to someone who has no intention of caring, lost your dog, lost something that wasn't yours when you were in charge of protecting said thing.....any situation where you walk away feeling like a failure. Feeling shameful. Feeling unforgivable. Feeling unworthy and disgusted with yourself.

How can we, as broken humans, get to a point where we can sift through our ugliness, and love ourselves? This is not an easy question. And there is no "one size fits all" answer to it, either. 

But here is what I have come up with. Or at least I think this is a starting point....

In order to begin loving yourself, you must actively listen to that voice in your head that immediately criticizes you. And when you are condemning yourself with self judgment you must stop. The more aware you can be of how hateful your thoughts can be about yourself, the more you can see how little you value yourself. 

I have realized that I am mean to myself. I am awful to myself. But these past few weeks I have been (trying!) to stop myself. And in that same process I think of what I am grateful for in my life. Then, when I come across other broken humans I ACTIVELY think of a compliment for them. This is not easy because my first instinct is to compare myself and judge them.

We must love each other to love ourselves. 

When you think of loving yourself, I'm sure you think of a small list of things that seem to fit whatever that means to you. After I wrote "Part I" of this, I was thinking about what loving myself meant. I realized that loving yourself is impossible. And I know that sounds hopeless. But there is hope. 

I realized that we are all fragile. We all have different definitions of what love actually means. We all have different ways of feeling, giving, and receiving love. 

No one has ever experienced perfect love. Every form of love in this world is imperfect. The closest form of love that is available is imperfect. So, when we think of loving ourselves, we are all viewing that question on what love actually means.

My definition of (human) love is feeling safe, understood, and adored. This means that, according to that perspective, very few people have ever shown me that kind of love. I think that we all express it, but that it only happens in special moments. I also believe in a love that means we are attentive and caring towards those we have feelings for. That love is out of a respect for those that matter to us, and in that love we are able to be present to our loved ones.

We are surrounded by distractions. We are surrounded by reasons to not love. So, when loving those we care about in life, it seems there is little room to love ourselves. So how can it be done? 

I am learning by listening. In this season of my life, I have practiced listening by being able to repeat what others are saying after they've said it. I am learning to love myself by choosing to focus on positive things as opposed to worrying and/or stressing over things I have no power over. I am learning to love myself in what I spend my time on and how I manage my responsibilities.

How are you learning to love yourself? What do you do that sharpens your behaviors? 

I think loving yourself is one of the hardest things you ever learn to do. On the surface, it's easy to say that some people seem to REALLY love themselves. But, ultimately, I really think that even "those people" don't really, truly love themselves. 

Now, let me preface all of this by saying there is a BIG difference between loving yourself and worshipping yourself. Narcissism is completely different from what I am talking about. 

These are the 3 faces of LOVE from the original Greek . . .

1. Eros: erotic love. This basically means sex, lust, etc.; 
2. Philos: brotherly love. So you and your best friend share a "philos" rooted love; and, 
3. Agape: unconditional and all-encompassing love. This is the love that is comparable to perfect love, regardless of what flaws are present.

"Agape" love is the type that individuals are aiming for when they speak of loving themselves. It means knowing you have cellulite but loving who you are anyways. It's knowing it will take 6 years to get that degree because maybe you didn't take school too seriously in the beginning, but knowing your worth doesn't come from finishing in 4 years. It means that, even though you may not be the typical "perfect" person, you still have value and can see past the flaws. 

We all know the analysis of our society's standards for perfection. It is plastered on billboards, magazines, television, your favorite novel....these standards on what you're worth are inherited by the society you live in. And, unfortunately, ours is not very redeeming. 

I am convinced that we really are the biggest critics in our own lives. I believe that many of us beat ourselves up over the smallest things, and end up focusing on a simple mistake for the majority of our days. 

The beauty in all of this is that it is possible to love yourself without narcissism. It is possible to love yourself even though you've made mistakes. It is possible to love yourself even if you gained a few pounds over the holidays. It is possible to love yourself even if your children refuse to listen to you. It is possible to love yourself even though your dog refuses to be house-trained. And it is possible to love yourself even if someone breaks up with you.

What does it mean to love yourself? What would it take to love yourself? And are you living your life in a way that makes that achievable? 

Feel free to join the conversation! Comments can be anonymous. 

Check back next Friday for Part II

I believe in the idea of too many soulmates. I believe we all have at least 5,000 people who are perfect matches to be our dearest friends, and that hopefully you come into contact at least 10 of them.... and then maybe one or two will end up in your wedding party and helping you pick out the best pictures to hang in your house. I believe there are at least a million people out there that are perfect for you. I believe that there are so many people that are willing to love you for exactly who you are...it's just about the right timing. I believe in timing. I believe some people could be perfect for you if you had only met ten years later, or earlier. Sometimes the person you want and need isn't ready to be in that environment of a relationship. There is nothing wrong in walking away when you aren't getting exactly what you want. But I also believe that once you committ, you'll fight through hell and back to protect that relationship. I believe that the one person you actually decide to spend the rest of your life with will be becuase timing was on your side, and everything happened in a sequence of events that it would be a crime to turn away from that person. I don't believe in waiting for someone who "just isn't ready to take things seriously right now", or for holding onto a relationship in hopes that they will decide that for you they'll walk away from getting hammered every weekend because you are worth it. You know what you're worth? Not having to ask for that. I don't believe that we are too young to settle down. I don't believe that just because I believe that it means I have to marry the next person I think I love. I believe that because all of us are human beings none of us wake up hoping that "not a single person talks to me, or tries to communicate with me". I believe that we all want to be accepted and loved. We all want to matter. We all want to be heard. I believe that in order to have a better world we need to accept more. We need to love more. We need to let other people matter to us. We need to listen, and hear. I believe that we need to stop putting "I" in front of everyone else. I believe in humility and giving and loving just to love and not expecting anything in return. I BELIEVE IN GETTING OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES FOR MORE THAN A MOMENT AND REALIZING THAT THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS GOING ON THAN US. I believe that we all have pain. We are all hurting. We are not always as happy as we pretend we are on facebook. We're not always the most clever, the prettiest, the skinniest, the most handsome, the most fun....but that we are all human in being so messed up and ugly. And that the only way we can love ourselves is to love others unconditionally. I believe that my generation doesn't really understand that. And that we all have a huge sense of entitlement, and we all think we somehow deserve big things. At the end of the day, no one owes you anything. So the best thing you can do is decide you can be volnurable sometimes and be authentic and understand that you are amazing just as you are.

So no, I don't believe in the idea of a soulmate. 

When I was 3 years old, my sister unintentionally kicked me in the ear while we were jumping on the trampoline. Now, she is 16 months older than me and has always been tall for her age. I however, was average in size for my age. 
       I immediately got enraged. I was so angry. Even though I knew it was an accident and she had already said sorry, I was determined to get her back. So I proceeded to punch her in the ear. Classy move, I know. My Mom was a stay at home mom, and so she saw this all go down from the house and came outside. Kayla was crying and I was still angry. My Mom gave me that look and said "Okay, well when Daddy comes home we are all going to talk about this. For now you take a 10 minute time out." I stormed to my room and shut the door, crying and screaming into my pillow. 
       When my Dad got home, my Mom sat me on her lap as my dad sad across from her and she said "Ariel, I want to tell you the story of how you were born." She explained to me that her Doctor wasn't at the hospital in time, and the nurses kept telling her to wait to push. My Mom is a recovering perfectionist/co-dependent, so through three contractions she didn't push. I was stuck in there for three contractions. So, when I came out blue in the face (once the doctor got there, of course) they immediately rushed me to the intensive care to make sure I was okay. After 3 hours they brought me back to my Moms room, my nose bruised, but overall a healthy baby. 
       I remember her finishing the story, and feeling a huge release. I said "Mommy, I don't know why, but I just really want to cry." I sobbed for twenty minutes. After that, I hardly ever reacted out of anger and punishment. 
       At Passion Provokers, we've come to the conclusion that the healthiest (and one of the most sane) ways a person can express their rage is through tears. I mean the ugly-cry, alligator tears. Now crying is an odd thing, and I believe there are 3 categories of cry-ers:

1. You'll ugly-cry over movies, music, and spilt milk.
2. You'll ugly-cry a few times a year, and usually not at the moments that seem to make sense (i.e. someone cut you off, or a barista accidentally gave you what the person behind you ordered). 
3. Ugly-crying is something that you may never do, and if you have done it it might have been over serious and logical things (i.e. broken bones, death, etc). 

I wish I had a cute little "quiz" to tell you which one you are, but most likely you know exactly where you fit. Personally, I fall under the second category. Regardless of what category you belong in, I think it's safe to say that alligator tear crying is extremely therapeutic. When feelings of rage, anger, loneliness, sadness, disappointment, longing, even nostalgia are not expressed wholly, tears are the only way to get the rest of it out. 

Non-criers: beware.  Without this depth of release, your <insert any of the emotions stated in the above paragraph> will come out. It may come out in screaming at your roommates in a drunken sob about how awful their current situation is. It may be in traffic when you are cut off. It may be at work when you are getting constructive criticism. But, whatever triggers you, the cause and effect will be extremely damaging (if not externally, internally). 


Few-time-a-year Criers: beware. The same as the above will happen.

Spilt-Milk-Criers: Beware. If everything makes you cry, that's okay. I do not find anything wrong with having a sensitive soul. However, this could mean that you are inappropiately expressing emotions in indirect ways. Crying over someone glaring at you? Maybe you feel crummy about a decision you previously made. So, my thoughts on Spilt-Milk-Criers...make sure you're not only expressing your tears for what's really going on in life, but also make sure the right person is present. Maybe they just need to know that an extra kiss in the kitchen or a simple conversation will ease some of that spout. 

Regardless of if you are 39 or 14, I believe a go-to emotion for many of us is Anger. Do you know where this is coming from? Do you just need to cry? Do you just need to hear about a traumatic birth? There is a reason you feel how you feel, whether you remember the reason or not. 
       The happiest people in the world are slow to anger. Coddling your anger does not make it righteous. Your anger will not keep you warm at night. It does not give you the right to say middle-finger-to-the-universe. If not expressed correctly, it only has the power to destroy.