After several heartbreaks, I finally realized I was dreaming a dream that was not my own.
I have been in love with four people in my lifetime. And to the first three, I owe you a big apology. An apology of a stolen dream and a ferocious need for YOU to have filled that dream. So if we speak still or not, here is the sorry from me to you. And to the fourth, well I have no apologies because the dream with you is very real and very alive (ahem, I love you hubby!)
So, to explain....
My parents had a fairytale love story. They met at 18, experienced love upon first conversation, and exchanged love letters to each other for eight months while they planned their wedding 500 miles apart. By 23, they had two baby girls 16-months apart, their first home, and my father was making a solid income with his Occupational Therapy degree.
From a very early age, I was set on experiencing my concept of "success" in a similar fashion. I was set on following in my mothers footsteps. I was convinced that in order TO HAVE HAPPINESS, I had to recreate my parents' story. My first love was at 14, and I think a lifetime of happiness is a bit much to expect from a 16 year old boyfriend. It was not his fault that my dream was unattainable. Honestly, thank goodness, because we would not have been able to make each other happy at any age.
But I was still determined that that was MY dream. That was going to be MY legacy, too. I hadn't ever considered a different option. Poor boys. In having a relationship with me, it was doomed from the beginning, because lets all get real....many boys/men are hardly thinking about marriage before they can even legally drink.
The cycle stated above repeated with my second and third loves as well. The issue here was that I was putting the relationships failures as their fault. They weren't "man enough" to "step up to the plate" of an eternal commitment. Shame on me for expecting that. Shame on them for insinuating it could potentially happen.
Love number three was tragic. I thought it was a meant to be destiny. I finally came to some reality about my borrowed dream when he explained to me that he wanted it to work, but to basically contact him in 5-8 years after he had the opportunity to "be able to have one night stands."
I know, WHAT THE #$@^?! But, at the same time, I respect that he was able to have that honesty with our relationship. He was the first person to tell me my dream wasn't realistic. He was also the first person to allow me to understand that the dream wasn't even mine.
Walking away from that relationship was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. I am forever grateful to Love Number Three, because he loved me enough to break my heart. And to shatter my borrowed dream. He loved me enough to WAKE ME UP.
It may seem immature and rude for a man/boy to tell me that he wanted to have one night stands and for me to be grateful for that. But it changed my life.
In the years to follow, I couldn't let go of that heartache. I felt it everyday. And time didn't heal it. Everyone kept telling me it would dissipate, but it never did.
Finally, I couldn't bare it anymore. So I decided to follow the Passion Provokers forgiveness process. It took 6 weeks of commitment. On week 5 I worked on the forgiveness to Love Number Three. I did NOT want to let it go. I didn't even want to say the words "I choose to forgive you now" (this process isn't like an amends where I actually contacted the guy, I just had to say it out loud for, and to, myself).
Three years after this heartache I finally had closure. I finally was able to define a NEW dream for myself. What I really absolutely wanted for ME in my own life. Letting go of the borrowed dream allowed me to actually build my own.
The day after my 5th Passion Provokers Session, I went out of town with one of my best girlfriends. That night I met my husband.
I don't know what kind of higher power you believe or don't believe in. But I do not believe it was just a coincidence that the day after I allowed myself to move on from Love Number Three, I met my forever soulmate. It was like the universe was saying "Okay, now I can give you what you have really been NEEDING and what you actually deserve."
I don't own a house. I don't have two children. I didn't marry the first person I thought was my soulmate.
I forgave Love Number Three. I forgave myself for living a borrowed dream. I forgave the borrowed dreams. And I was given the ultimate gift: a life partner who builds his dreams with mine.
Are you living a borrowed dream? Are you refusing to even utter the words "I forgive you"? Are you still hurting and reeling from something that happened years ago, and angry at everyone who tells you time will heal it?
I've experienced all of those things. I promise, there is way more to dream and believe in. I promise that once you CHOOSE to forgive, you will be faced with what you have actually been wanting/needing.
Forgive yourself. Wake up and become a Dreamer of the Day.