The first and most subtle realization when you choose to forgive is the awareness that you are the creator of your own prison and have locked yourself in a cage all the while holding the key. The overarching result of forgiveness is complete power over what you feel by your free choice, being released.
Forgiveness is for the forgiver first, those they love second and lastly for the forgiven. Everyone around the forgiver feels the heartwave of love and empathy at a subconscious level. This gives you the best chance for excellent communication with your partner and everyone else around you. Communication is based on the feeling/s in the atmosphere, and your words can conflict with your heartwave, making communication much more difficult. Forgiveness heals and allows congruence between your words (the story you are telling yourself and others) and your heart's intention.
This is why couples often have big fights over insignificant situations. There is a power and control conflict, and it is about something unforgiven in both partners' pasts, mostly before they met. Marla and I experienced this in the fight we keep having over and over again, particularly over the past four years. Our hearts conflicted our old shame, and we triggered each other. We both had a “story” to back our position and would rather be “right than in relationship.” So the underlying conflict did not go away, and these regular arguments sometimes ended in yelling and doors slamming until we forgave our core shame.
Here are the three bullets that have made all the difference in the last eighteen of our nearly 30+ year marriage.
- Tracking your feelings as we talked about in the previous blog, Forgiveness Loves;
- Find your three core Northside feelings on the Feeling Wheel 4.0,
- And by allowing these feelings to be real and felt, choose to forgive them and their source. You will be lighter, more focused and begin to see more solutions, ending fights before they even get started.