This, it turns out, is consistent in other studies as well. The lesson: If you sense any trouble in your relationship, as a man, it is serious and needs attention.
These days, women may or may not ask for a change before deciding to be done. I've found that this is because most women ask for change over the course of several months or years, and men very rarely commit to making those changes permanent, so it very much becomes the straw that breaks the camels back.
Most of the time we can help these relationships, but when one partner is "Done", it is often times too late. We believe that this is because of a cultural belief of "If you can't make it happen, I can find someone else who will."
One reason we fight for couples to save their relationships is because 70% of divorcee's regret their decision within 5 years.
We want to work with couples because divorce is (typically) final. There is so much money, time, heartache, and pain that can be avoided if couples work on healing instead of separating. (tweet this)
You choose someone within 5 points of your IQ and with matching emotional issues. That's why many people maintain an attraction to the same version of the ex. If you and your partner don't work on growing in the emotional issues that are present, it will breed resentment, hostility, and anger.
So, how do you grow? Getting real is the answer.
The Skin Horse told the Velveteen Rabbit the cost, in perhaps the most direct and straightforward explanation, of becoming real.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
The difficulty I have had with becoming real has been the people who don't understand. Well, to be more specific, my difficulty was that I cared too much what the people who did not understand had to say about me.
Those that did not understand had very specific ideas about what my life should be, and it took me a long time to realize that their idea's for me were very convenient for them.
Even after I had begun to realize that these people wanted me to take care of them before I took care of myself, I still drifted towards their agenda.
My need for approval was so strong, it nearly destroyed me. (tweet this)
This was totally my fault and cost me most of the pain and difficulty. Getting out of my own way is my best gift to myself, and I have to remember this most everyday. Most of the behaviors that lead me away from becoming real were directed at getting the approval of the wrong people. Actually, all of the things I did that lead me away from honesty and accountability were for the wrong people.
The seeds of this misdirected energy are from being very young and inexperienced. The bottom line is that because my self esteem was low, and the people and chemicals I turned to did not have the tools that I needed to fix this core issue.
It is a difficult issue, self esteem. There is better language about self esteem taught in public schools today, but self esteem and learning to treat yourself with respect will never be learned in a massive one size fits all school system. For children, the only place this can be learned is in the home.
I am not blaming parents because this is not something that any parent would withhold from a child if they knew what it was and how to teach it.
This can only be done through honesty and accountability. This has to be done voluntarily. One major factor that is leading this lack of honesty and accountability is that many fathers aren't showing up to be fathers. Women are raising more children without the help of fathers now than any other time in our history. This is sad for everyone, and most of all for the dads that don't show up.
I am so grateful that my dad did and gave me what self-esteem he could. His dad didn't, so there was only so much that could be passed down. This advantage was instrumental in my recovery from low self-esteem.
The other tools, after accountability and honesty, that were a must for me to be ready to earn a little self respect was forgiveness and a daily discipline to learn. These tools help those of us who break easily and have sharp edges.
We heal and grow beyond anything we could have imagined, and help us be graceful as the hair is getting rubbed off, our eyes dropping out, and our joints getting loose so that we can become real.
So pay attention, relationships need maintenance. If there are things that have been asked for that are not being done consistently then Wake up and Get Real.
The cost of being real is losing people who don't understand you. Most people consider that a welcoming cost-benefit ratio.
If you are ready to get real, you can setup your free consultation or e-mail me directly at jami(at)passionprovokers(dot)com